The Life and Times of Dr Josef Heiter
by Tiggys the Frazzled Furball
Summary: Bored with his human centipede experiments, Dr. Heiter decides to stop loathing human beings and starts trying to act like one. Needless to say, he fails miserably.


**Author's Nope: **I wrote this before breakfast.

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**Disclaimer: **I own nothing here, but I created the random OC

**The Life and Times of Dr. Josef Heiter**

**By **Tiggys

**Summary: ** Bored with his human centipede experiments, Dr. Heiter decides to stop loathing human beings and starts trying to act like one. Needless to say, he fails miserably.

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Dr. Josef Heiter was really a simple man. He enjoyed simple pleasures. Those pleasures included taking long walks around his secluded home, swimming in the nude, hunting, eating healthy, and sewing things ass to mouth just to see if he could.

On the morning of June 8, 2010, he found himself waking in his stark, white, minimally furnished bedroom to the melodious sounds of birdies tweeting in the trees outside.

Heiter got up, slid out of bed, putting his feet into his favorite fuzzy bunny slippers, and went to the dresser, where he put on a black robe with red trim. He yawned and went to window to look out at the lovely green grass and trees, and listen to the birdies going "Tweet, tweet, tweet!"

He wondered if it was possible to sew three little birdies beak to cloaca.

_Nein_, he thought, _too complicated_. It was much easier to sew things that were at least over twelve pounds.

Hunger nipped at Heiter's tummy. He exited his bedroom and wandered to the kitchen.

There, he removed a can of mixed fruit from his pantry stocked with cans of mixed fruit and opened it. He poured some into a bowl and set the rest of the can on the table. Heiter slowly ate some of his bowl of mixed fruit, paying particular attention to the little cherry pieces. They were his favorite, but there were never enough inside the mixed fruit cans. He wished he could hunt down whoever canned the mixed fruit and put so little cherry bits into the cans and sew their mouth onto somebody's ass.

Muttering to himself, he took out some papers and began to read through them. They were plans for his latest creation: a human centipede. He would catch three people and sew them ass to mouth, just to see if he could. Like his beloved three-hound. Sadly, his three-hound had died from complications, but maybe a human centipede would live longer.

He would be the world's greatest surgeon if he managed to successfully complete a human centipede. Thinking about it made Heiter a little giddy. So giddy in fact, that he shook his spoon by accident and dropped his last cherry piece on the floor. Heiter looked down at the white tiled floor, with the poor little cherry piece lying there, wasted.

Heiter stared it for what felt like a long time. Then he yelled and flipped the table over in a rage.

His breakfast was ruined.

Ten minutes of calming down later, he decided to get dressed and go to his medical surgery basement.

Heiter went to his closet and took out a black t-shirt and some tight blue jeans and put them on. When he looked sexy enough, he went downstairs.

There were his latest two patients, lying so very helplessly. Both were strapped down in hospital beds, with sedative IVs dripping in their veins while he checked to see if their DNA and blood was compatible. One of them, a large bald trucker, wasn't a good match. He would have to murder the man and bury his body.

"I'm sorry, you don't match," Heiter said gruffly to the disheveled, fearful looking trucker as he stared up at him. Heiter was going to force air into his vein and kill him that way, but then he decided to just grab a scalpel and stab the man in the throat with it.

Once the man was dead, Heiter dragged his body away, zipping it into a fresh body bag, and he dragged it out to his backyard. There, he dug a big hole and buried it. After working so hard in his tight jeans, getting all sweaty, Heiter decided it was time for a nude swim.

He went to the indoor swimming pool, where he took off all his clothes and jumped in the pool and began doing laps from one side to the other. Normally it was exciting, but today it was very boring. Heiter couldn't explain to himself exactly why he felt like he did, but nothing seemed to satisfy him. He was missing something, though he couldn't put his finger on just what.

Heiter stood in his crystal clear indoor swimming pool, and thought for a long time about what he could be missing.

After almost an hour standing in the pool, thinking, his mind grasped it at long last.

"I need a girlfriend," he muttered.

Heiter got out of the pool and ran back to his bedroom.

He changed into his formal buttoned-up lab coat over a new black shirt. He put on black pants, shoes, and black sunglasses.

After he was dressed even sexier than before, he jumped into his car and drove to the nearest populated area, which was a Wal-Mart.

Heiter got out and stuffed his rifle into his lab coat. Then he remembered normal people who're trying to score ladies don't use rifles and stashed it in the back seat. Upon second thought, he decided to move it to the trunk just in case he did score and something sexy needed to happen later on in the back seat. He hoped it did.

Heiter walked to the Wal-Mart. When he went through the doors, the elderly greeter greeted him warmly. Unused to such mundane human compassion, Heiter screamed and ran into the Ladie's Apparel section, where he hid behind a rack of brightly colored bras.

It just so happened that a stunningly beautiful woman was shopping for bras at that very moment, and the one she picked up happened to be hiding Heiter's handsome high cheekbones.

"Oh, my! Who might you be?" she asked.

"I am Doctor Josef HAI-tuuuuurrrr," he responded, staring up at her through his sunglasses.

She looked to be about twenty-something. She was very slim, sort of tall but not too tall, with curly blonde hair, flawless skin, pouty red lips, purple eyes, and giant round breasts. He fell instantly in love with her and knew he had to score her or his heart would be broken forever.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Isabella," she said.

"Izzy, if I may call you that, I have something to tell you: I love you. You have made me realize what it means to be a human being. Please come with me to my home," he said to her.

"Oh, Dr. Josef Heiter... you have such a way with words! I do believe I've fallen in love with you, too," she said.

"Yay," Heiter said happily, smiling.

He pulled his head out from the bras and came around the side of the rack so that he could take her delicate hand in his. Hand in hand, they skipped off down the aisle while some of the Wal-Mart patrons cheered and showed them in pretzel bits and french fries from the food court.

Heiter and Isabella skipped all the way to his car, where he held the door open for her and she got in. Then they drove to his secluded house. Once they got there, he parked in the driveway.

"You want to have sex here?" he asked her.

"No, I prefer a bed or couch if you have one," she said. "Also I'd like to be drunk or drugged first."

"Okay," said Heiter.

They got out of the car and Heiter showed her in. He took her to the living room to see the couch. She sat down on it and tested it. It was a nice couch. A little firm and leathery, but nice. She tried the love seat but it was too squishy for her taste. Izzy went over to the table. It was too hard. She tested the floor just to make sure. The carpet was too scratchy.

"I guess I'll try the bed," she said.

Heiter fixed his beloved Izzy a very strong drink of Whiskey and Flunitrazepam. "Here you go," he said, and handed her the glass.

Izzy gulped it all down.

"I bet you feel sexy now," said Heiter, smiling his million dollar smile, " don't you, mein Frau?"

Izzy threw his golden curls over her shoulder. "I do."

She took Heiter's hand. He whisked her to the bedroom.

When they got there, he threw her onto the bed and jumped on top of her, growling like a sexy beast.

"Oh, Dr. Heiter," said Izzy, breathlessly. Her head was beginning to swim. But it felt good and she liked it. "Talk to me in your sexy German accent."

"Okay," said Dr. Heiter.

He jumped up on the bed and began flapping his arms and strutting.

"I AM A CHIK-KEN TODAY. QUACK, QUACKA HOCKA WACKA HUAKA HUAKA HUAKA HUAKA HUAKA!"

Izzy swooned. Soon she passed out, with the sexy scientist doctor of her dreams dancing a very special chicken dance on the bed next to her.

When she woke up, she found her mouth sewn to his ass.

"I am the happiest man alive, Isabella," said Dr. Heiter. "And I am the greatest surgeon in the world. Now we are one."

Izzy cried, but it was from sheer happiness.

They got married the very next day in a private ceremony in Heiter's backyard, in front of his grave stone of his beloved three-hound.

It turned out Izzy was his one true love by destiny, for her blood and DNA was a perfect match to his.

It was then Heiter realized he didn't need three human beings to form a human centipede, he only needed one to fill the emptiness in his heart from years of loneliness.

Heiter pulled out his bouncy castle to mark the special occasion and he and Izzy played inside it long into the dusk, laughing and sharing their love for each other.


End file.
